Fiona’s high school life is officially over. A school marriage education project has paired her with the biggest meathead jerk in the whole school, which would be bad enough if he hadn’t decided to make her a target of bullying and harassment. But it’s a book that is trying hard to be Shakespearean so you know there are going to misunderstandings and misdirections and that characters you’re set up to hate will become likeable and characters you’re supposed to like will turn out to be not great people.
Unfortunately this book made my head hurt and not in a fantastic Shakespearean sort of way. More in a I-can’t-believe-I’m reading-this-drivel sort of way. I got what the author was trying to show us about not judging someone until you really knowing them (don’t worry, she kept referencing Pride and Prejudice just in case you weren’t picking up on it). I just didn’t like it. People who seem to be jerks often are. Best friends should not do things behind your back and have it all forgiven because friendship includes forgiveness. Chemistry does play a role in relationships, and it’s pretty rare to find yourself attracted to someone you really don’t find cute just because they like you. There has to be something there. Also, I am a minimum of 20 years too old for the level of crudeness and bathroom humor presented here. I’m no prude, but if you’re going to be off-color, please be good at it.
Sex, Nudity, Dating – Several characters are known to be having sex, but nothing worse than a kiss occurs in real time. Fiona’s parents are rather demonstrative, and are mentioned as kissing, playing tonsil hockey, etc. Fiona’s father reaches over and “honks” her mother’s boob at the table. The principal’s husband has run off with a woman who is called both “boobalicious” and a “sexed-up tramp”. The principal dirty dances with another staff member at a dance and has his face in her cleavage. Gym uniforms look like they’re out of a porn movie. A girl and her friend are frequently called lesbians or asked if they’re lesbians because they don’t have boyfriends. An adult character comes out as gay. There are references to tits and feeling up a girl, hand jobs. Blow jobs are implied but not explicitly mentioned. A blow-up sex doll makes an appearance. One girl is on birth control. Herpes is mentioned several times, generally in a joking experience. There’s a whole bit about how it’s more gay to play football and have your hands up another guys butt than it is to be a male cheerleader and be touching girls thighs, etc. A guy jokes about wanting his wife to be barefoot and pregnant but instead she’s frigid and infertile. A couple breaks up because the girl wasn’t putting out and the guy was angry and pressuring her. Hot dogs are compared to penises. There are jokes about spending money on hookers. A guy is imagined with a whip in one hand his wang in the other. We learn that a guy “wants to bang” a girl. Someone is described as being as nervous as a cheerleader in the last minute of a pregnancy test. My notes include that castration, douche and tampons are all brought up. I feel certain I must have left something out, so for that I apologize, but there’s no way I’m going back to check.
Profanity – “shit” in an unimaginable number of forms, “jackhole,” “damn/ed,” “crap,” “hell,” “ass,” “bitch,” “screw” which is conjugated fully I’m sure, ” goddamn,” “bastard,” “piss off/pisser,” “sonofabitch,” “prick,” “dickhead,” “fucking,” “coochie,” “pussy,” “tight-ass”. The finger is given repeatedly, and one girl is referred to as “choice synonyms for female genitalia” which I suppose we should be grateful to the author for not repeating.
Death, Violence and Gore – A girl threatens to cut a guys nut off. A boy is punched in the face. There are a few cheerleading accidents. Someone is “bitch” slapped.
Drugs, Alcohol and Smoking – Upon saying something at the same time, a couple tells each other “you owe me a beer.” A character shows up drunk to a dance. A girl says she’s done more apologizing than a politician with a sex addiction and a crack pipe. The parents drink and the father gets drunk.
Frightening or Intense Things – None.
